I'm sitting here with a familiar sickness in my gut. It's a very faint feeling this time, and I'm thankful for that, but it's still a feeling I have now, nonetheless.
It's that feeling I get sometimes when I'm standing on the balcony of the condo at the beach and someone else is holding one of my children and I get sick to my stomach thinking, "Ohmygosh....if my child lurched forward, they'd go over the edge and....."
Or that feeling I got when I was standing in the Sears Tower in Chicago a year after the 9/11 attacks and I thought, "ohmygosh...those people in the attack....there were some up this high and they saw that plane coming...and there were some that fell from this height....and there were some who jumped...."
Or that feeling that I have fought quite successfully in the past couple of years but is on the verge or re-emerging since all the flooding we've experienced this week....that "what if we crashed over the side of this bridge? How would I get all of the children out and to safety?"
This feeling started tonight when Donnie and I were watching Conan O'Brien and the news ticker broke in and scrolled along the bottom that a police-involved shooting had occured in East M......... on A...... Highway. UGH! What if it's someone we know? Ohmygosh... one day my children are going to be driving on A...... Highway..... What if an idiot causes harm to my children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time? What if my children make terribly dumb decisions that result in horrible consequences?
And would you believe that I got nervous wondering if Shayne was OK just because she's spending the night at a birthday slumber party tonight? I think I'd be a lot sicker if the home where she is was in East M........ Thankfully it's on the other end of town.
Isn't that irrational? She's definitely not out on the streets yet, the idea crosses my mind...."what if?" and it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.
But I'm really doing OK. I have that funny pit in my gut but I'm not in a panic. I'm concerned and curious but I'm really OK. I'm just reminded of those 'what if' days because the faint 'ick' I feel inside me is all too familiar.
I'm VERY GRATEFUL that these irrational panicks have diminished over the last several years. I give God all the glory because He answered my prayers when I asked for more faith. I gave God my fears and told Him I believed He was in charge and that I trusted His decisions and that I trusted Him to guide our paths. I also got serious about wanting to follow His will so that I would not be the cause of any consequences.
I also praise God for pulling me out of the start to a very bad depression. At the point of post-partum depression after David's birth, I was at my worst spot. God saved me from it. Thank you, Lord.
So my fears now are better than they used to be. But I'm still sitting here, staying up way too late, hoping I can find out a bit of info from the Internet or TV about what happened tonight. I just want to know before I go to bed.
God is in control.